


From the Ashes

by Seraphof5tar



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Angst, Brotherhood, OT5 Friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-09-06 10:36:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16830958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seraphof5tar/pseuds/Seraphof5tar
Summary: It wasn't supposed to be like this.  They were on the rise, making music and making memories with each other and Choice.  They had already gone through storm after storm, coming out stronger than before.  But this time, there didn't seem to be a way out.  And honestly, fighting was exhausting.  Maybe this time it would be better to stop.





	1. In a Blink of an Eye

**Author's Note:**

> Just as a note, I myself am not an expert on any of the things that will happen in this story. Most of it is made up and based off of very limited research. I apologize as it is probably not very realistic; I don't want to misrepresent anything or give false information. This is all just my interpretation to how some things could happen.

A.C.E had just wrapped up promotions for their latest album, their second since Chan had rejoined them. After losing rock, paper, scissors to the other members, Jun found himself sitting in the back of the car while Sehyoon drove. Not that he minded - the middle seat allowed him to talk to the others with ease. They had finished their mukbang Vlive only minutes ago and Jun decided to look through some comments. Choice were so cute; they always wanted to make sure that A.C.E were eating well. Jun hoped they were eating well too. School and work could be extremely stressful, so many could easily fall into bad eating habits. Pocketing his phone, Jun joined into the conversation the others were having before noticing a blinding light.

Sehyoon barely had enough time to dodge the truck coming straight for them, swerving into the opposite lane where the truck should have been. The tail end of the truck smashed into the back side of their car and sent them spinning off the road before slamming into a tree. Jun felt his head snap back and hit the seat before blacking out.

Groaning Jun opened his eyes slowly, his head pounding. His neck almost felt broken, and the rest of his body ached. But when Jun saw what was in front of him, he almost wished he hadn’t woken up. The other four were passed out in their seats, blood pouring down their necks. Jun panicked, wondering if they were --. Unbuckling Jun almost cried in relief as he saw all their chests rising up and down - albeit slowly. A crash on the roof snapped his thoughts back into place as a huge branch partially fell on the roof. Working quickly, Jun thrust open the door and climbed out before unbuckling Byeongkwan, carefully carrying him safely away. He went back and got Sehyoon before going around the car to the passenger seat and carried Donghun to the others. The door to Chan’s side refused to open so Jun crawled into the car and carefully maneuvered Chan out of the car. Seconds later another part of the tree fell on the car, crushing it.

Jun sat in the middle of his members, frantically trying to wake them up. Not knowing who to call, since it was a given that authorities were already on their way due to the size of the crash, he quickly dialed CEO Hyeim. Jun didn’t even bother trying to hide the pain in his voice.

“Hyeim-nim, we um, we got into an accident. A really bad one.” Jun gulped, blinking fast as his vision swam.

“Oh my gosh, are you okay? Are the others? I knew we should have let staff follow you today.” The panic in her voice only hurt Jun more.

“They won’t wake up,” Jun answered, his voice cracking. The pain in his own head was becoming unbearable. Maybe if he slept, the pain would go away. “I’m tired, Hyeim-nim. It hurts, everything hurts so bad. I just want it to go away.” Jun slowly laid down, closing his eyes to block out all sources of light.

“No, don’t sleep Jun. You have a concussion, at the least. If you fall asleep, there’s a chance you won’t wake up.” Jun hardly registered the desperation in her voice.

“I don’t want to be awake if the others won’t be.” Jun felt the phone slip from his hand as he gave in to the pain and exhaustion, faintly hearing sirens in the distance.

* * *

“We interrupt this newscast with breaking news. On the outskirts of Seoul, at 9:00 PM, on a mostly empty road, a truck crashed into a car, sending the car spiraling off the road. The passengers in the car were the beloved members of the boy group, A.C.E. We now turn to a reporter at the scene for more details.”

“Hello everyone, I’m your reporter Ahn Su-ra. I am here at the site of the accident that has been blocked off by the police. As you can see, the car that A.C.E was in has been crushed by huge branches, and if we look to the right of the car you’ll see the impact of where the truck hit. Luckily none of the members seemed to be in the car when the collapse happened, as paramedics found them all passed out thirty yards away. I’ve been unable to find out anything else, although the truck driver who clipped them has been arrested for distracted driving. I’ll update you when I can about the accident. Back to you.”

CEO Hyeim turned away from the TV in the waiting room, anxiously pacing outside the ER. She turned towards the entrance to the hospital as almost the entire Beat staff ran in, worry etched across their faces. A.C.E’s manager went up to Hyeim-nim, nervously wringing his hands.

“Anything?” Hyeim-nim shook her head. “Did you call their families?”

“Yeah. They’re all on their way,” Hyeim answered, trying to keep her voice steady.

“What do we do about the press?”

“Nothing for now.” The door to the ER opened as a doctor came out. Asking for who was in charge, he addressed Hyeim-nim on behalf of the other doctors.

“Right now I can tell you that none of them are in danger of dying. They were lucky - no broken bones and very little internal bleeding. However, all of them have suffered significant brain trauma. Right now we can’t determine what exactly was affected; we have to wait until they wake up in order to perform more accurate tests. That could be in a couple of hours or a couple of days.”

“Can you put them all in the same room? That way everyone can visit them altogether, and they won’t wake up alone,” Hyeim asked and the doctor nodded, heading back into the ER to carry out her request. Meanwhile Hyeim and the others nervously stood outside, waiting for the okay to see the members. She was relieved that the boys seemed to be mostly unharmed, though she knew unforeseen circumstances often arose from head injuries. For now, as she walked into the room they had all been wheeled to, she was just happy to see them breathing. She had seen the wreckage from the TV; it was a miracle they had gotten out alive.

* * *

Jun groaned before turning on his side, squeezing his eyes shut and covering his ears to block out the lights and sounds. Stupid beeping. Wait. His alarm clock didn’t beep; it played a song. Jun opened his eyes and sat up slowly, feeling way too weak and drowsy for a normal morning. He felt fully awake, though, after seeing what was around him. The others were on hospital beds still asleep - at least he hoped they were just asleep - with IVs dripping and machines beeping steadily. Why was he in the hospital? The last thing he remembered was a, white light?

A second later Hyeim-nim slipped through the door, smiling softly at Jun before sitting by his side.

“How are you feeling?”

“Everything’s sore, but considering where I am I’m probably hurt a lot more than I can feel. My head really hurts, though. It’s a bit bright and loud in here.”

“Do you remember anything?” Jun’s eyebrows furrowed as he thought back.

“We… we got into the car after a mukbang and were heading home. Then there was…” Jun trailed off, his eyes widening in horror. “We got into a car crash,” he whispered. “Are they, are the others okay?”

“Mostly. You guys got lucky. No broken bones, no internal bleeding. You all have serious concussions, though. You’re the first to wake up, and it’s been two days.” Hesitantly, Hyeim-nim took Jun’s hand before asking, “Do you remember how you guys got out of the car after you hit the tree?” Jun thought hard before shaking his head.

“I don’t remember anything after the impact.” Hyeim-nim nodded before getting up.

“I’m going to get the doctor to make sure nothing else is wrong. I’ll be back soon.” Not long after she left Jun saw Sehyoon start to stir. He waited until Sehyoon had adjusted to his surroundings before addressing his hyung.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like I got hit by a truck,” Sehyoon replied, an innocent smile dancing on his lips.

“Too soon, Sehyoon. Too soon.” Jun smiled slightly though, glad the older man was able to joke. Byeongkwan was the next to wake up, blinking rapidly before staring at Jun, confusion on his face when heard but couldn’t see Sehyoon ask how he felt.

“What the?” Byeongkwan proceeded to cover his eyes one at a time, panic growing on his face. Immediately Jun and Sehyoon got up to see what was wrong, only for Sehyoon to cry out as he crashed onto the ground, pain shooting up his legs. The crash woke Donghun with a start, who upon taking in the chaos in front of him went to console Byeongkwan as Jun rushed to Sehyoon’s side.

“What’s wrong?” Donghun asked Byeongkwan. Or at least, tried to ask. Trying to ask again, Donghun locked eyes with Byeongkwan, who had dropped his hands in shock. Nothing came out of Donghun’s mouth. Trying again for the third time Donghun coughed violently, unable to form a word.

Chan turned on his side to block out all the noise waking him up, smiling to himself as he heard almost nothing after switching sides. Hold on a second. That shouldn’t be right. Why didn’t his right ear hear anything? Did the commotion quiet down? Sitting up, Chan saw his hyungs panicking and heard noise flood through his left ear. Fear swelled in his heart. Something was really wrong, and not just with him.


	2. Diagnosis

At that moment several doctors came into the room, followed by Hyeim-nim, all of them stunned by the scene in front of them. Several tests and a lengthy hushed discussion with CEO Hyeim later, the doctors turned to address A.C.E.

“We hate to tell you this, but your careers as idols might need to be put on hold. Maybe even for good.”

“No. No way. We can overcome anything. Whatever might stop us injury-wise, they’re curable, right?” Chan said, voicing his fellow members’ opinion. The doctor in charge hesitated before nodding slowly.

“With enough physical therapy, yes. However, it’s not so simple. Not like recovering from a broken ankle or a bad knee. All of your injuries are brain and nerve related. There’s a chance you’ll heal in time, especially with therapy. But there’s also a chance you won’t. I suppose with a strong enough mindset you could still be idols even with your disabilities.”

“Disabilities?” Jun asked, despite knowing that there was no other way to categorize their injuries.

“Yes. Sehyoon, you have nerve damage to your legs and feet. You’ll probably alternate between experiencing sharp pain or numbness, common symptoms of people with the same condition. We can prescribe you pain relief, but we don’t have anything for the numbness.” The doctor paused, smiling sympathetically at Sehyoon before continuing.

“Byeongkwan, you’ve gone blind in your left eye. Because it’s due to brain trauma, there’s a chance you’ll recover your sight in the future. For now, though, you’ll have to learn how to live with limited sight.”

“Donghun, you are suffering from vocal cord paralysis. You’ll have to relearn how to speak and sing, and it’ll be more difficult due to the paralysis. Chan, you’ve gone deaf in your right ear. You’re in the same boat as Byeongkwan. Being partially deaf may also affect your singing abilities.” After explaining their situation and therapy in more detail the doctors left to let their family members visit and know about their new disabilities. It wasn’t until much later when the five were finally left alone to take in their situation. Looking back and forth at each other, Jun was the first to break the silence.

“How are you guys feeling?” It was a poor, repetitive question, but it was the only thing Jun could think to ask.

“Discouraged. Upset. Doubtful. Do I need to go on?” Byeongkwan answered, emotionally drained.

“I want to be positive. But right now, I’m just trying to wake up from this nightmare,” Sehyoon said, staring at his legs. Donghun wrote furiously on his giant paper pad, the only way he could communicate with the others for now.

“We’re not being shaken by the wind. We’re being swept inside a typhoon.” Chan reached over and grabbed Jun’s hand tightly.

“I’m scared.” Jun’s heart broke at their words. Out of all of them, he was hurt the least. Why? He didn’t know. He hated being so untouched. He wanted to bear all their pain. The only thing he could do now was be their source of hope and strength. Except, he didn’t know what to say. The one time he needed words, he had none. All he could do was squeeze Chan’s hand before watching them all fall asleep.

They stayed in the hospital for another week before being released, all of them warned from doing any physical activity for at least a month. The concussions they all had sustained were leaning closer to severe; no technology for at least two weeks as well. CEO Hyeim had released to the press only that A.C.E were okay besides receiving very serious concussions. She mentioned nothing of their disabilities.

As they entered the dorm, they were all pleasantly surprised by the amount of gifts and cards coating their apartment. The five found themselves genuinely smiling for the first time since the accident, happy that Choice were so kind and supportive. Deciding to open a couple gifts and to read some cards (even though technically they weren't supposed to), the members sat on the couch in shared silence, momentarily forgetting their problems. Sehyoon laughed as he read a hamburger card while Byeongkwan hugged a new plushie, smiling as he read the card that went with it. Donghun beamed as he opened a packet of glow in the dark stars, and Jun smiled softly at a card telling him of a donation made in A.C.E’s name. They all looked up worriedly though when they heard a sob.

Chan was sitting on the ground, flipping through a scrapbook filled with quotes and pictures of Choice. Next to him was a post-it saying how it was going to be a gift for their debut anniversary, but due to the sheer amount of letters and pictures sent they had decided to delay sending the scrapbook. After finding out about the accident, they decided now would be the best time to give A.C.E the scrapbook.

All the other members sat around Chan, silently reading with him. Words of how they had been such an inspiration warmed their hearts until one final letter had them all crying.

_Dear A.C.E,_

_Thank you for always being such inspiring and humble idols. Your journey to the top has not been easy, and now after the accident things are probably getting harder. This is a pretty last minute letter, but on behalf of all Choice, I want to tell you guys that we will always support you. No matter what happens, just know that you will never stop being an inspiration to us. So many times your songs and messages have supported us through our dark times. Now, let us return the favor, even if only in part. We look forward to your recovery and hope that you’ll still be able to pursue your dreams. Eat lots of chicken, and get a ton of rest! Don’t be too hard on yourselves. Please say you really did well, our stars. Thank you again for everything. A.C.E fighting!_

_Love,_

_Choice_

A long silence filled the air after they read the letter, all of them lost in thought, the tears slowly drying up. Finally, Sehyoon broke the silence.

“We can still do this. The doctors said that with enough therapy and training we can still continue as idols. It’s going to be the hardest thing we do yet, but we can do it. So right now, let’s focus all our energy to recovering quickly from our concussions. Our disabilities we can learn to handle over time, but we can’t handle them if we’re not mostly healed.” The others agreed wholeheartedly, fueled with a renewed sense of purpose. They were A.C.E. Together they could take on the world. It wouldn’t be easy, but they had each other.

The next couple of weeks were uneventful in comparison to their normal everyday lives. Sleeping, eating, talking; it was nice to get a break, but without being able to do much the five soon found themselves bored out of their minds. At the hospital too all they did was sleep and eat, but at least they had family to make things interesting. Not that life in the dorm with the five of them wasn’t - but they couldn’t be entertaining twenty-four seven. 

Byeongkwan and Chan adjusted fairly well with their dulled senses, although Byeongkwan’s depth perception was way off and Chan always had to face the person talking head on. Donghun wandered around leaving notes everywhere, still able to nag and make sarcastic comments even though he couldn’t talk. Sehyoon had the most trouble adjusting. Falling randomly sucked, and sometimes he couldn’t feel his legs for hours at a time. Jun became accustomed to walking by his side around the house, taking the time to talk to his hyung more. Actually, since they could do nothing else A.C.E talked a lot more to one another. Despite knowing each other for so long it was still surprising how many things they still didn’t know about each other. They also decided to entertain themselves by learning how to cook. The results were as expected, and Byeongkwan was forbidden from ever using a blender again.

Five weeks after the accident they were all cleared from their concussions. That meant vocal training and dance practice could resume. It also meant more Choice interactions. The three Vlives they had done during the recovery time were short and unsatisfying. Now at least they could be loud and annoying on screen again. Well, not too much, since they had to keep up the cover of still recovering from major concussions. To avoid addressing their disabilities to the public so early, Beat had released a statement saying that the recovery period from their concussions would take three to four months. They hated that they were lying to Choice, but they really didn’t want anyone to know about their disabilities. At least, not in the near future. Not until they’d be able to continue as idols with their disabilities.


	3. Without Words

Vocal cord paralysis. Perhaps one of the worst things that could happen to a singer. Not being able to talk or sing had been torturous for Donghun; even his laughter was hoarse. So, when therapy sessions came around he was eager to attend them. His manager and Jun would come with him to the sessions so they could learn how to help Donghun at home with speaking. Singing would be a problem solved a little later.

Donghun’s first session was frustrating, but it wasn’t like he thought it would go any better. He just didn’t think it’d be that hard. The therapist had tried to take Donghun through basic words, words like hello, please, thank you, and transition words. But it had taken Donghun twenty minutes just to pronounce annyeong haseyo cohesively. Not to mention it came out very breathy and quiet, followed by a sore pain in his throat. The rest of the time was filled with exercises to strengthen his vocal cords. By the end Donghun was feeling a mix of frustration and satisfaction; he was making progress, just really slowly.

Upon returning home the others bombarded Donghun with questions, waiting patiently as he typed up a response for his phone to speak. After answering he asked how their day had been.

“We ran a couple laps to get in shape again. Sehyoon-hyung surprisingly didn’t have any trouble during the run, so he was fine. A couple of minutes ago he felt a sharp pain in his legs though, so he’s on painkillers right now,” Byeongkwan replied. Donghun and Jun decided to go running themselves, feeling the effect of not exercising for over a month sink in.

“I’m gonna run a few more laps,” Jun told Donghun before taking off. Donghun’s throat burned and he chugged his entire water bottle in seconds. Five minutes later Jun finished and they walked back to the dorm. The two joined the others for dinner, silently watching the music show broadcast on the screen. A shared longing and sadness spread among them as they watched the performances, all wishing to be on the stage without any of their new troubles.

The next two weeks passed in a similar fashion. Donghun wasn’t the only one going to therapy, and the others often came home ecstatic or frustrated. Donghun was able to distract himself by dancing, touching up his skills since singing was still out of the question. Jun and Chan often joined him, and sometimes even Byeongkwan and Sehyoon, though the two often found dancing slightly more challenging than normal, especially in group dances.

Another month passed and Donghun was finally able to speak fully again, although he had developed a stutter. The therapist said that it would go away with time. Luckily for him, stuttering rarely affected singing.

“B-Byeongkwan-ah, get off th-the comp-p-puter,” Donghun said to the younger man, his voice rough but eliciting no pain. Despite being half-blind, Byeongkwan stilled played games when he could, especially League of Legends. Apparently, it didn’t affect his gaming skills at all, though Donghun sometimes wished it did. It was hard to drag Byeongkwan away from the computer, especially since recently he’d had so much time to play. At least Jun played less these days.

“Kwannie, we h-h-have vocal t-t-training to g-get to.” Byeongkwan paused the game before shutting the computer off, locking eyes - well eye - with Donghun.

“It’s your first one, right?” he asked softly. Donghun nodded, eagerness shining in his eyes, though a little doubt lingered in them as well. Byeongkwan knew how much his hyung loved to sing; not being able to for the past two and a half months must have been awful. At least Byeongkwan was still able to dance - even if not very well with his members. Together they met up with the others and headed off to the practice room.

The first vocal training was disastrous for Donghun, but he expected it to be. He just didn’t expect the tenth vocal training to still be unproductive. Ten lessons in and still he could barely sing a scale. Donghun was frustrated beyond belief; he found himself tearing up after the lesson ended. Ignoring the others at dinner Donghun escaped once again to the roof, seeking solace in the stars. The night sky had always made him happy, except for tonight. Tonight the stars haunted him, reminding him of how small and insignificant he was, reminding him of how far his dream was once again. Three months ago he held the stars in his hands; now they seemed farther than ever. How was he worthy anymore to be among the celestial beauties? How could he be a shining light to others when he couldn’t find the light within?

He hated this feeling. He knew that trials would always come and that he would grow and flourish because he overcame them. But it was so hard to see past the wind, past the rain. The storm had been raging in his mind ever since the accident, and no matter how hard he tried, he didn’t understand why he, why the others, had to endure so much. Why did he think he could do this? Overcoming vocal cord paralysis wasn’t like recovering from nodes or laryngitis. Why did he think he could heal faster than normal? Maybe they should take a longer hiatus, or maybe he should pull out. Everyone else could adapt better than he could. He was the one without a voice. He was the one holding them all back.

“Don’t even think about it.” Donghun turned, surprised by Jun’s presence. Wiping away his tears, Donghun tried to play dumb.

“Th-think about w-what?” Jun plopped down next to Donghun, looking up at the stars.

“About leaving. You’re not a hindrance.” Donghun looked at his leader skeptically.

“N-not a h-h-hindrance? I can barely talk p-p-properly, let alone s-sing. I’m not a singer anym-m-more.” There. He said it. His deepest fear had come true. No relief came from admitting it, though he didn’t feel worse for saying it. Donghun felt Jun take his hand, offering him comfort as Donghun sobbed. Finally, his tears were spent and he looked into the younger man’s eyes. Sadness and understanding shone in Jun’s eyes, but so did a small fire.

“Yes, you are a singer. Being a singer isn’t only about being able to sing. It’s about loving music, touching hearts, inspiring others. You will sing again. You will be just as amazing and perhaps even more amazing than you were. You will not give up. Because you are a singer, you are an artist, and you are not alone in this. I’m by your side. A.C.E is by your side. We are the last stop, and we all get there together.” While Jun spoke the others had gathered around Donghun as well, nodding along to Jun’s words. 

“You’ve already come so far and recovered so well,” Chan added, resting his head on Donghun’s shoulder. “You’ll be our archaeopteryx in no time.” Chuckling slightly Donghun let himself be enveloped in a group hug.

“Okay. I’ll try again. This time I won’t stop until I finish a scale.”


	4. Muffled Noise

Being half-deaf wasn’t so bad, Chan found. So what if it was a bit harder for him to hear his hyungs when they were all talking in the same room, or if he could only listen to music from earbuds in one ear? So what if he needed subtitles for movies? None of that really bothered him, and all his hyungs were always understanding. He could live with being half deaf. It’s not like it affected his singing, right?

After Donghun was finally able to sing a scale again, Beat had decided to start planning for the next mini-album. They only did so because of A.C.E’s insistence, but the album wouldn’t come out for at least another two months. That left them with plenty of time to learn the songs and dances.

Chan quickly looked over his lines of the title song as the music played in the background. Ever since the accident, his left ear had become even more sensitive to sound and his sense of touch had been enhanced as well. The thrum of the bass vibrated through his body and Chan smiled. The song was going to be fun to perform.

“Chan-ah, you’re starting the song, so you go first,” their vocal trainer said, standing on Chan’s left side. Chan nodded eagerly before singing his first couple of lines, not noticing the slight grimaces of the other members as he sang.

“How was that?” Chan asked, a small smile on his lips.

“Well, for the most part you were good. You were a bit off-key on some notes. Let’s try again.” Thinking nothing of it Chan sang again, feeling satisfied by how he sounded. Maybe he was a bit flat or sharp here and there, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t easily fix.

“You’re still a bit off. Sing the notes again, but slower.” It took Chan another hour to perfect his first couple of lines, and it was clear to everyone that he was frustrated. He didn’t think he was off, but when he listened to the replays it was clear that he was often flat or sharp on certain notes. A week of private vocal lessons passed and Chan still couldn’t consistently nail his part.

“I’m sorry guys. I’ll get it right the next time, I promise,” Chan said as the group rehearsed the song together. Nodding they ran through the song again, not annoyed when Chan hit the wrong note at the end.

“Maybe we should take a break,” Jun suggested, noticing Chan’s increasing frustration. “Donghun-hyung needs to rest his voice anyways.” The others agreed and Chan excused himself to the bathroom. Splashing water onto his face, Chan stared long and hard at his reflection.

“You got this,” Chan said out loud, giving himself a pep talk. “You only messed up once this time, so next time will definitely be perfect.” Rejoining the others and going through the song again, Chan shouted with glee at finally hitting all the right notes. Running through the song two more times Chan was overjoyed that he didn’t mess up.

“Let’s switch positions. You’ll most definitely sing on different parts of the stage, so Chan should practice listening for his cues from other angles, just in case your live vocals and the crowds are louder than the music in your ears,” their vocal coach stated. Nodding the members switched positions, spending the rest of the practice and the next three days helping Chan nail all his cues. On his own he replayed the track over and over, listening for the subtle lilts in the song to count into his cues. It was 2:00 AM when he finally took a break, all of his hyungs fast asleep in their bedrooms. Sighing he got up to get a glass of water. He’d have to do this for all the other songs.

“Hey, why are you still up?” Jun asked the maknae, having gotten up to get a drink himself.

“Just practicing, that’s all.” Chan went over to his own room, unsure of why Jun was following. “I’m fine, you know. I’m adjusting well.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t. I just want to make sure you’re sleeping. You’ve looked really tired the past week.”

“I’m fine,” Chan replied, smiling at Jun to show him that everything was okay.

“Chan-ah, I can tell when you’re faking a smile. You’re not fine.” Jun sat down by Chan, holding his hand as the younger one let the smile fall.

“I just fell like I’m holding everyone back. It’s taken me so long to get this song right, and there are three more. Maybe you could do sub-units again, without me. That way the album can be produced faster.”

“Even if we do sub-units, it wouldn’t be for that reason. We know you're struggling because of your hearing, and it’s okay. No one’s worried at all about the deadline. But your worries still don’t explain why you’re so tired. We don’t usually hear you singing at night, and you always come home with us to sleep. What’s really keeping you up?” Chan looked down, not able to look at his leader as he admitted to having nightmares. He felt Jun stiffen before asking him softly, “About what?”

“A lot of them are of me messing up in practice or on stage. Sometimes I’m completely deaf. Sometimes you guys get angry with me for messing up. Sometimes the media finds out and spreads the word that I shouldn’t be singer anymore. But none of them are as bad as the ones where you leave me, or when I can’t find you. The other night I had a dream where I could hear, but none of you could and it was pitch dark. I heard you guys calling out, but I couldn’t find you. It hurt, hearing how afraid and desperate you were and not being able to do anything.

“Last night I had a dream where I got lost in a crowd and was separated from you guys. I couldn’t hear anything but background noise and I called for you, but you never came. I’m scared to sleep at night because the nightmares seem so real, and some of them can come true.” Chan stopped, unable to say anything else as he started to sob, clinging like a child to Jun as his hyung crushed Chan into his chest.

“They’re not going to, I promise. And the ones on stage? You’ve worked hard to make sure they don’t happen, and you’ll continue to work hard.”

“You don’t know that. As much as I’d like to think I can, I can’t control every outcome. Even if the accidents aren’t as bad as the ones in my dreams, they can and will happen.”

“Then you improvise, just like you’ve always done when you’ve made a mistake on stage. Accidents will happen, no matter our condition. Besides, you’ll always have your hyungs. We’re never going to leave your side, and we’re going to help you in every situation we can. Right now, that means helping you with your nightmares.”

“Always together. Even if that means at night,” Byeongkwan said having entered the room with the other two. “We heard you crying. Well, more like sensed it, if that makes any sense. We caught the tail end of your conversation. From now on, until you’re nightmare-free, your hyungs will take turns sleeping next to you. That way, as soon as you wake up you’ll know that we’ll always love you.” Chan smiled through his tears, thankful that his hyungs were so caring. He didn’t know how fast the nightmares would go away, but at least he wouldn’t be dealing with them alone.


	5. Out of Focus

When Byeongkwan had first left the hospital after the accident, he had refused to accept that losing sight in one eye would affect his life in a major way. However, being half-blind had more of an impact on his daily life than he had thought, and Byeongkwan reluctantly accepted the fact that things would definitely be a lot harder than they once were. But after the past several months he had adjusted pretty well. He lacked depth perception, though, causing him to bump into things a lot more.

“You’re so competitive, Byeongkwan. You finally beat Jun for first place in the clumsy department,” Donghun teased after Byeongkwan turned the corner too early again.

“He has an unfair advantage,” Jun complained jokingly.

“What does it say about you if it takes being half-blind to be clumsier than you?” Byeongkwan retorted, a smile on his face. Byeongkwan was a jokester and a lighthearted person, so none of the hyungs or Chan were surprised by his frequent jokes about being half-blind. In fact, they played along, knowing that it made it easier for him to deal with his new blindness. Punching in the code to their practice room the five piled in, greeting their choreographer. The recording of the title song was finished so it was finally time to learn the dance.

“Sehyoon-hyung, will you be okay?” The older man nodded, taking out the bottle of painkillers he carried around so he could be prepared when his legs decided to hurt. Nothing could be done for the numbness, though.

“Will you?” Sehyoon asked Byeongkwan, knowing that Byeongkwan’s lack of depth perception made it hard to learn new dances.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll just have to practice more.” Byeongkwan thought back to the first time he realized dancing would be different after the accident. Practicing all their previous group dances had gone smoothly, as had his solo practices, but after trying to learn choreo for a possible cover he and the others discovered that his spacing was way off. 

They all picked up the choreography pretty fast and after a couple of hours they decided to work out the formations. Byeongkwan nervously tapped his fingers against his other hand before walking to his position. It was their first time doing a full run through of the dance; he wouldn’t be the only one to mess up.

The rest of the day was a disaster, though it wasn’t just because of him. All of them messed up at one point or another and Chan ended up bumping into Jun before Byeongkwan bumped into anyone. They all laughed it off, just happy to be dancing together again. Somehow they were all still in sync, a quality to their group no disability could affect.

“Sorry,” Byeongkwan said after stepping on Chan’s toe. A week had passed since they had first learned the choreography to their title track and throughout the week they had made slight alterations to the original dance. Some of the corrections were to ease the transitions and help with Chan’s hearing, and some of the changes were to prevent Byeongkwan from crashing into other members. If you asked him, all the changes just caused him to mess up more, although with time he was sure he’d be able to correct himself. He just needed to learn to rely on his other senses more.

“Your sense of hearing has sharpened over the past months, hasn’t it? Try to listen to how far away their feet sound; it may help make up for your lack of depth perception,” their dance instructor suggested after noticing Byeongkwan’s frustration during a particular practice. “I’ll count the steps to make it easier for you to hear them.”

The rest of the practice was spent going through the dance at different speeds, Byeongkwan slowly learning how to keep his spacing in line with the others. Things were going slow, but at least they were moving forward.

One night during a late practice A.C.E was running through their routine over and over again, making sure everything was perfect. Byeongkwan spun and slid, thinking he had gotten his position right only to slam into Sehyoon.

“Aahh!” Sehyoon cried out, unable to stop himself from falling to the floor. His legs had chosen that exact moment to go numb, effectively putting practice for him to an end.

“Hyung! I’m so sorry, are you okay?” Byeongkwan exclaimed worriedly, guilt written across his face. Sehyoon smiled reassuringly at the younger man.

“I’m okay, Kwannie. It’s not your fault. It’s just a coincidence that my legs decided to go numb at the same moment.”

“I’ll help you get home,” Donghun said before asking Chan to get on Sehyoon’s other side. It would take them a while to get back to the dorm, so they decided to head back first, leaving Byeongkwan and Jun to practice more on their own.

“Let me help you. I’ll dance the parts of the others when they’re near you,” Jun said to Byeongkwan, knowing that he needed a distraction from what just happened. Even though it wasn’t Byeongkwan’s fault, Jun could see that the guilt remained. He knew the feeling all too well.

The next hour flew by and Byeongkwan didn’t bump into Jun at all the last two run-throughs. Deciding that it was time to end practice the two started to pack their things. Byeongkwan was silent, the combination of exhaustion and guilt causing his darkest thoughts to surface, but he didn’t want to break down. A single phrase from Jun was all it took to undo him though.

“Are you okay?” Jun asked gently, putting a hand on Byeongkwan’s shoulder. A flood of words came rushing out in response, Byeongkwan unable to hold his thoughts in.

“No, and I might never be okay. I’m half-blind, dancing is so much harder than before, and I want to give up but I can’t let you guys down. I know you guys will always be with me and support me no matter what, but that’s why I’m so scared. I’m scared I’ll hold us all back, that any mistake I make will reflect badly on us as a whole. That if I need more time you’ll gladly delay, possibly hurting our chances even more. I’m not scared of you leaving me; I’m scared that I’m weighing us down.” Byeongkwan let out a shaky breath, eyes watering.

“That’s not true. You’re not holding us back,” Jun said, shocked by what he had just heard.

“Yes it is. Don’t try to lie to me. I know I’m holding us back. Everyone, everyone else has already mastered the dance. Even Sehyoon-hyung, who doesn’t even have full control over his legs, executes the choreography better. I’m the one who keeps messing up.” Jun took both of Byeongkwan’s hands into his own before making Byeongkwan look at him, sincerity shining in his eyes.

“I’m not lying. You’ve done so well and have come so far as a dancer. Yes, you’re making mistakes, but everyone does.”

“Not as many as I do.”

“Your mistakes aren’t even noticeable. So what if your foot ends up nudging mine or if our arms brush because you’re too close? Even idols with 20/20 vision make those mistakes. The only reason why they stand out to you is because you’re so focused on perfect spacing and you're terrified of colliding with us and causing an accident. I'm only aware of them because I’m a perfectionist. I promise you that you’re doing fine. In fact you’re doing better than fine. And you’re also helping me and the others out with our spacing and awareness. You’re not holding us back. You’re helping us move forward.” Byeongkwan smiled slightly.

“Really?”

“Really. Now let’s go home. I’m sure the others are wondering what’s taking us so long.” The two left the studio, walking all the way back to the dorm in comfortable silence. Jun walked on Byeongkwan’s left to help him avoid any possible obstacles. Not once did he let go of Byeongkwan’s hand, offering what little strength he could. And though Byeongkwan couldn’t really see Jun, he knew that Jun, and the others, would always be by his side.


	6. A Little Unsteady

A week later A.C.E started to film the music video for their title song. This mini album would have a much darker concept than anything they had previously done, but they sprinkled in a bit of hope here and there. Their album name -  _ From the Ashes _ \- embodied that concept. Their title track “Sweet Poison” only embodied the dark part, but it would be fun; the only other song that had such a dark concept was “Black and Blue” and even then only Jun and Sehyoon took part in it.

The photo shoot went smoothly, though due to the pain in Sehyoon’s legs half his shots at night were of him sitting. He didn’t let the pain show on his face, having trained himself often to ignore it. He and the others had fun going to different sets at different times of the day, although by the time they ended it was rather late at night, the moon shining in the sky above them.

“Oh, we still have to give a jacket behind message to Choice,” Chan remarked, all of them quickly looking for a location to film. Sehyoon briefly wondered if he should take another painkiller but decided against it. The pain had already lasted for four hours; it would go away soon. At least he wouldn’t have to fake a smile. Doing anything for Choice always made him happy and forget his problems.

Filming the actual musical video took longer than they would have liked. All the acting shots went smoothly, but the dance portions and the filming for the dance version took over a day to complete, the chaos hurting every member. It was preparation for their stages, was how they looked at it. Same lights, a little less noise, same difficulty. But they were ready. They had prepared for everything.

“Cut!” the director ordered. “Start again. Wow, your facial expressions aren’t selling me.”

“Cut! Again, Wow, not powerful enough.” Over and over they had to stop, the director unaware of Sehyoon’s condition and therefore pushing him to his usual best. In fact, most of the hired crew for the music video were unaware of A.C.E’s situation, which was why they were confused at the amount of breaks and slip ups. At 12:00 AM they took another break and all the members, especially Sehyoon, were frustrated with the slow progress. Excusing himself to the bathroom he splashed water lightly on his face, hoping to feel refreshed. But as he looked at the mirror, all the comments came flooding back.

Not once had Sehyoon ever complained or gotten angry with his condition, always optimistic. But now, as his limits were pushed farther than they had ever been since the accident, Sehyoon could feel the negativity slowly sink in throughout the day. What if his legs hurt during a live performance? What if they went numb? What if it happened at a fanmeet, or a fansign, or an interview? Sure they planned to reveal their conditions later, but not in the next month or so.

“Calm down, Sehyoon. We’ve prepared for everything, remember?” he said aloud to himself. “You’ve practiced through the pain, making sure you can still do the dance, and you have another choreo prepared if your legs go numb. The other things, well, you can improvise. It’s going to be alright. Think positively.” Just the opposite seemed to happen though as soon as he said the words, more doubt and blame and frustration flooding through his mind. Willing his emotions to stay hidden Sehyoon walked back out, pouring all his negative energy into the dance. Finally, at four in the morning, the filming finished, all of them exhausted beyond belief.

“Hey, you okay? You seemed off the whole time,” the director asked Sehyoon, genuinely concerned for the idol.

“I’m fine,” Sehyoon replied with a smile, lying through his teeth. Happy thoughts, Sehyoon, happy thoughts. “Don’t we have a behind message to film?”

While filming the short message, Sehyoon put on his best act, pretending to be happy with how it went. The other members could tell but said nothing; that is, until after the camera turned off.

“Sehyoon, you know you can talk to us, right?” Byeongkwan asked, cautiously placing a hand on his hyung’s shoulder.

“Yeah. Why?” 

“You can’t fool us, Sehyoon. You’re not happy at all,” Donghun said, words sharp but face full of concern.

“I AM HAPPY!” The resounding silence that followed was too much for Sehyoon to bear. “I need a bit of fresh air.” Sprinting away, Jun followed two seconds later, the other three stuck behind trying to explain to the staff what had just happened. Jun found Sehyoon perched in the fire escape of the building where they had filmed. Climbing up Jun sat next to Sehyoon, offering his support in silence. Usually when the two were together they were either the biggest dorks on the planet or the most serious and composed. They were close because of their similarities, and often confided in each other through their struggles. The inner turmoil that had grown in Sehyoon had not gone unnoticed by Jun, but he never pushed his hyung to tell him anything if he didn’t want to. He had assumed that Sehyoon would settle the internal struggle after a day or two like usual. Obviously he was wrong. Knowing that Sehyoon preferred more straightforward conversations when things were serious, Jun addressed the heart of the problem.

“Keeping in your frustrations isn’t healthy, Sehyoon-ssi. Not once have you complained since the accident, making us all really question if you’re a robot or not. But ultimately you are human.”

“I just, I just wanted to keep being positive and looking at the brighter side of things. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing. But you can’t be happy all the time. That’s not humanly possible, and we’ve confirmed that Android Wow isn’t an android at all. It’s okay to be upset sometimes.” Sehyoon refused to reply, staring blankly at the wall, fists clenched. Jun knew Sehyoon was stubborn, so talking to him wasn’t going to work. Maybe singing would.

“흐르는 눈물을 꾹 참지는 마요 Please don’t stop your tears

괜찮아요 you and me It’s okay you and me

어깨에 짊어진 짐을 내려놔 봐요 That heavy thing on your shoulders, please put it down

조금만 you hear me For a while you hear me.”

It was enough to break down Sehyoon’s walls. The older man didn’t cry as much as the others, but that morning all the burdens of the past months came flooding out in silent streams. Jun gladly became a human tissue.

“Feel better?” Jun asked his hyung as Sehyoon stopped crying.

“Yeah. Sorry for all the tears.”

“It’s okay. Remember that it’s normal, healthy, even to be upset or frustrated sometimes.”

“I’m just scared that once I start letting myself feel angry and sad and doubtful I won’t be able to stop. I don’t want to end up where I was those years ago.” Jun’s eyes watered themselves at those words and he held Sehyoon’s hands tightly.

“You won’t. You already know and practice positive thinking all the time, and you won’t stop just because you let yourself feel miserable for a short while. You’ve been doing so well with your condition and I know the pain you feel and endure would probably overwhelm anybody else. But here you are, dancing and not showing a hint of discomfort. I look up to you, hyung. So do the others. Your positive thinking inspires all of us. And remember, you don’t have to deal with anything alone.”

“Thank you,” Sehyoon said, smiling at his leader. Jun always had a way with words and was always encouraging him and the others. Ever since the accident Jun had been the constant pillar of the group, helping each of them through their breakdowns. Sehyoon was glad Jun received the least amount of injuries out of all of them. If Jun had been injured as much or more than the rest of them, Sehyoon doubted they’d be as hopeful as they were now. Sehyoon doubted they’d even be making an album so early.

Making their way down the two landed in front of the others, all of them exchanging looks with Sehyoon before smiling in relief.

“Group hug!” Chan shouted, embracing the others tightly. The next challenge would be coming in two weeks, but they were together. They could conquer anything together, taking down the next challenge and any challenge after that.


	7. Back to "Normal"

11:58 PM. Two minutes before their music video release of “Sweet Poison” and the official release on streaming sites. Choice, as well as a large part of the K-pop industry, had responded enthusiastically to the teasers, and pre-order sales of their album were through the roof. All of A.C.E were gathered around a laptop in the practice room, waiting for the company to release it.

12:00 AM. Quickly refreshing the page they watched the video eagerly, seeing it for the first time alongside everyone else.

“Waah, editor-nim and director-nim and the rest of the film staff did so well with this video! We look really good. You can’t tell at all that anything’s off,” Chan commented, the others agreeing wholeheartedly.

“Look how many views we’re getting! I still can’t believe we have so many fans sometimes. Especially since we’ve been away for so long,” Byeongkwan said, refreshing the page over and over again. “It’s a good thing we had so much unreleased content and covers, otherwise Choice would have nothing to look out for during the past five months besides the random V-lives here and there.”

After scrolling through some more comments A.C.E got up to practice the dance several times before going on a run while singing. At 2:00 AM they crashed back at the dorm, getting whatever sleep they could before having to leave for their live stage. Four hours later they were up and about, nerves and adrenaline giving them plenty of energy. Putting on minimal makeup and throwing together an outfit they climbed into the van waiting for them, their manager at the wheel. Everything leading up to their performance was a blur, but as they stood backstage their fears started to kick in. Quickly noticing Jun pulled them together for a pep talk.

“We got this. Our practice runs went perfectly, Choice is out there ready to support us no matter what, and we’ve prepared for every possible circumstance we could think of. When we go out there, we’re going to do our best, I know it. We’re performing because it’s something we love to do. We’re going to be amazing. A.C.E, hwaiting!” Going to their positions on stage, all of them took a deep breath, waiting for the song to start. Three seconds later they began and it was like there was nothing different; no missed cues, perfect choreography, and killer live vocals. To the press, to the fans, and to every other artist out there with them, it was like A.C.E hadn’t missed a beat and were back better than ever, in perfect condition. Good. They wanted to be judged like every other artist for their music and performances, with no pity points for their numerous disabilities. So as they finished the song and waved goodbye to the fans they smiled wide, genuinely overjoyed at being able to perform on stage again and giving a perfect performance. 

Safe in their dressing room, however, their adrenaline quickly left them. None of the staff were inside with them, per Jun’s request. He knew that the others didn’t want to be seen in their pained states. No one saw how Donghun downed a bottle of tea and honey to soothe his throat, only to still cough violently afterward. No one saw how Byeongkwan crashed into a chair, still dazed from the stage lights, his one eye over-sensitive to all light. No one saw Chan hold his head in his hands, an indication that for the moment he could hear nothing, the background noise still ringing in his ear. No one saw Sehyoon’s death grip on his painkiller bottle, knowing that in seconds his legs would hurt like hell. No one saw what they put themselves through for one performance. No one, but Jun.

He was their leader, their brother whom they trusted and loved. He was the person they allowed themselves to be vulnerable with. He was the person who gave them strength. So it was paramount that they didn’t notice how broken he was inside. Because right now, they had enough to deal with, enough of their own, much bigger, dilemmas to be concerned about.

A knock on the door shook him out of his negative train of thought. Making sure the other members had recovered relatively well, he answered, leading them back out to the finale stage. Clapping for the winners they were quickly shuffled off stage for an interview introducing their new song. Jun took care of most of the talking, though the others chimed in here and there. Afterwards they had a quick meeting with their manager.

“When we go on variety shows and all, how will we make sure everything goes smoothly? Also, if Donghun has a lengthy answer, how should he speak without stuttering? We’ve been so focused on the performing aspect of being idols we completely forgot about what to do for interviews and such.” Jun looked at his manager, hoping that he would know what to do.

“Well, in three weeks you’re going to perform you song “Against the Odds” on stage, since that’s when you’re revealing everything. Most variety shows should be okay, since they involve singing, dancing, or games, but radio shows and interviews will be harder since the questions are more focused individually.

“I can try to push radio or talk show appearances later, but we can’t avoid every interview. For the ones we have to do earlier, we can maybe make an excuse for Donghun. We can make it like Donghun’s saving his voice to sing, so he can answer short questions and you can take over for longer ones.” It wasn’t much of a plan, but it would have to do.

The next week and a half flew with buskings and performances and the occasional interview, everyone accepting the cover that Donghun was trying to save his voice. So far, all the performances had gone smoothly, with Byeongkwan and Chan adjusting well to the lights and sounds.

“Guys, it’s happening.” The four quickly rushed to Sehyoon’s side, startling their makeup artists.

“Numbness or pain?” Donghun asked, already hunting for the painkillers.

“Numbness.” A.C.E exchanged a look before helping Sehyoon stand and walk. “Don’t worry guys. We prepared for this,” Sehyoon said, reminding the members that the performance would still go on.

Taking their time A.C.E got into position on stage, all hoping that things would turn out well. They knew this day would come, but they weren’t sure their solution would work. It was too late to think of something else though.

As soon as the broadcast ended A.C.E was pulled aside by a reporter.

“Your performance today was amazing, as usual. But it was quite obvious to everyone that it was a very different choreography. When did you plan this?”

“From the beginning actually. We thought it might be fun to have different choreographies for the same song that slightly overlapped,” Sehyoon answered. It wasn’t a total lie; they had thought of doing it before for previous songs.

“This one seemed to have a lot of floor work in comparison. Why is that?”

“Well a lot of the choreo we usually do has only had a little bit of floorwork, so we wanted to see how much floorwork we could incorporate while still having an exciting and complex dance. We were also able to do really cool formations the first choreography didn’t allow us to do.” Asking a few more questions the reporter ended with a comment on their outfits before leaving, letting A.C.E make their way to the dressing room without any other stops. Sehyoon practically collapsed through the door, no longer able to stay standing. The trek back to the van would be a nightmare.

“One and a half weeks. Then we can tell the world,” Jun thought to himself. It wouldn’t be easy to admit, but it would be better than all the lying and concealing.


	8. Truth's Out

*flashback*

Though the rest of album making was going smoothly, something just wasn’t clicking for A.C.E with the second song on the album. While it was nice, with a good rhythm and unique sound, it just didn’t have the right feeling. They couldn’t put much emotion into it, nor could they just have fun with it.

It was Byeongkwan who came up with the brilliant idea. It was a normal day at the dorm, one of their rare days off. Byeongkwan had been online for a while, surfing through dance videos on YouTube. He had been thinking about the choreo for their second song. Maybe with a good choreography the song would have life. It was the only thing he could think of, besides scrapping the song altogether.

“Guys! I just had the craziest idea!” Byeongkwan shouted, racing into each of their respective bedrooms. “Meet me in the attic!” Byeongkwan narrowly missed running into a wall before clamoring up the stairs to the music studio they had in their dorm. Plopping himself on the rolly chair he could hardly contain his excitement. The others soon arrived, sitting on the various bean bags on the floor.

“So what’s the idea?” Chan asked, hands clasped in anticipation.

“We substitute the second song with a song of our own. One that hints at what we’ve dealt with since the accident.”

“Where did you come up with that idea? And why do you want to hint at our disabilities?”

“Well, I saw a dance with blindfolds - I think it was contemporary - and it was really cool, not to mention touching. And we’ll have to reveal our disabilities somehow. What better way than through a song we wrote and a dance we choreographed?” The others quickly asked to see the video before agreeing to Byeongkwan’s idea, excited by the prospect. Sehyoon and Chan worked on producing the music before Jun and Donghun came up with the lyrics, Byeongkwan helping both pairs out. Byeongkwan also came up with most of the choreography, though Jun and Sehyoon added some moves as well. The entire process took five days, all of them completely focused on making the song meaningful both to themselves and to Choice. After recording it they set to work on practicing the choreo. It would be a lot harder than the dance for “Sweet Poison,” but it was their story to tell, and their story was not an easy one.

*end of flashback*

Finally the day had come to perform “Against the Odds” live. A.C.E was nervous, but not because of the actual performance, but because of the interview they knew would come afterwards. The music video for it was to air the next day, after everyone had a little bit of time to absorb the news.

Without saying a word Jun stuck his hand out for their signature cheer, his one foot in as well. The others added their hands and feet less than a beat later.

“A.C.E, hwaiting!” The stage was dim as they entered, though even then the audience could see the blindfolds being put on. Arranging themselves into position, they breathed in and out as one. And then the song began.

**_B:_ ** _Help me, I can’t see the light_

_Help me, it’s like I’m stuck in eternal night_

**_C:_ ** _Help me, I can’t hear a single voice_

_Help me, I'm alone and there’s no noise_

**_D:_ ** _I’m screaming but no one can hear me_

_Can’t get a word out of my mouth_

**_W:_ ** _Try to keep walking under all the pain_

_Only to find myself crashing to the ground_

**_[ C:_ ** _I don’t want to give in or give up_

_I want to keep fighting and fly high_

**_J:_ ** _Don’t want to be shaken and crushed_

_I want to keep chasing the light_

**_D:_ ** _But my world has flipped upside down_

_And I'm trying desperately not to drown_

**_W:_** _Oh I don’t know how much more I can take_

**_B:_ ** _But I’m gonna try anyway_ **_]_ **

**B: *** _Ripping off the blindfold, trying to see_

_The good in the bad, trying to break free_

_Listening closely to the words_

_Feeling the love inside my heart_ *****

 **W: *** _Making sure my thoughts get heard_

_That I’m speaking up even though it hurts_

_Getting back up after falling again_

_Ignoring the pain and taking a stand_ *****

 **_J:_ ** _But I can barely breathe_

_Somebody help me_

**_[Chorus]_ **

**_J:_ ** _So let the wind blow harder_

 **_D:_ ** _I’m only going to get stronger_

 **_C:_ ** _Go against all the odds_

 **_D:_ ** _And come out a victor_

**_[J:_ ** _I’m never gonna give in or give up_

_I’m gonna keep fighting and fly high_

**_W:_ ** _Not gonna be shaken or crushed_

 **_B:_ ** _I’ll keep chasing the light_

 **_J:_ ** _No matter what I will prevail_

 **_D:_ ** _Pick myself up every time I fail_

 **_C:_ ** _The world can try to bring me to my knees_

 _But I will stay standing on my feet_ **_]_ **

The applause was deafening. Everyone was amazed by their performance, the concept so different from anything they had done before. And the chills it gave; people could feel the raw emotions in their hearts. After the broadcast A.C.E had an interview at Arirang radio scheduled, and everyone was tuned in. Their host, Isak, was someone they were very familiar with, so they felt more comfortable with having to reveal the truth.

“So, I saw your performance of “Against the Odds” and oh my goodness it was breathtaking. The complex formations, the powerful yet graceful moves, I mean, what style of dance was that? It definitely wasn’t hip hop.”

“The dance is a contemporary and popping style. We chose this style because we felt that it was the best style to portray the emotions of this song, and it also helps add a more graceful, fragile touch. With the contemporary style, when we do the motions that reflect the first verse’s lyrics, the impact is a lot more heartbreaking. When we rip off the blindfolds during the rap, we slowly start incorporating popping, but then at the chorus we’re back to the same contemporary style. The bridge and the last chorus borderline an urban style, telling our journey of strength and overcoming,” Byeongkwan answered, explaining the dance in full.

“That's so cool! You put so much thought into the dance and the lyrics. What made you write this song? I know all of you contributed greatly to the making of this song.”

“The lyrics can be taken f-f-figuratively, but for us, especially th-th-the first verse, the lyrics are a l-l-literal representation of our s-s-situation.” Isak’s eyes widened as Donghun spoke; it was the first time had had said such a long sentence on camera since the accident.

“What??”

Donghun took in a deep breath before continuing, folding his hands together. “We actually s-s-suffered from more than j-j-just concussions. I was diagnosed with v-v-vocal cord paralysis. I h-h-had to relearn how to speak and sing and ended up d-d-developing a stutter.” Donghun motioned for Sehyoon to speak next.

“I suffer from nerve damage to my legs and feet. I randomly feel either sharp pain or numbness all throughout my lower body, and it can last for hours at a time. It’s the real reason why we prepared another choreo for “Sweet Poison.”

“How did you dance with such a condition?” Isak asked, stunned by Sehyoon’s revelation.

“Lots of practice and determination. It goes for all of us.” Sehyoon tapped Byeongkwan’s shoulder to tell him to speak.

“I’m blind in my left eye. I was actually looking at blind dances when a blindfold dance appeared. That’s when I got the idea for the song, although the others helped develop it.”

“Wait, so you can’t see Sehyoon if you look straight?” 

“Yeah. So if he’s doing something weird I won’t know unless everyone else reacts. Chan?”

“I’m partially deaf. I can’t hear anything out of my right ear. It’s why we always stand in a certain order so I can hear everything. Like Byeongkwan, it’s due to brain trauma, so there’s a chance we’ll regain our eyesight and hearing fully. There’s also a chance we won’t.”

“I got lucky,” Jun said next, though his eyes were sad. “I suffered nothing more.” Isak was quiet for a while, trying to take everything in. Finally she spoke, sympathy and awe in her voice, a single tear falling from her eye.

“I, I have no words. The strength and courage you all have to continue down this path, I mean you’re incredible. Really. And the fact that no one could tell is a testament to how passionate and talented you are.” After a couple more questions on their disabilities, Isak decided to end the interview with one last question regarding their song.

“What is the ultimate message you want to convey through your song ‘Against the Odds’?”

“We want people to take away a message of perseverance and strength in the face of adversity. That during a hard time, things won’t magically get better, but if you can endure and hold on to hope you’ll be able to overcome any situation,” Jun answered, looking directly at the camera with a gentle smile on his face.


	9. I'm (Not) Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning just to be safe

It was four months after A.C.E revealed their true conditions after the accident. It was two months since they ended _From the Ashes_ promotions and started preparing for their next mini album, _Fairytale_. This album was a lot happier and brighter than the previous, with a more whimsical element to the songs. It also included two sub-unit songs: Donghun and Chan had a duet and Byeongkwan, Jun, and Sehyoon had another song. The title song would be “Once Upon A Time,” and the fourth song of the album would be a ballad with all of them singing.

Over the past two months A.C.E found themselves adjusting fully to their disabilities, as well as recovering from them. Sehyoon’s nerve attacks were less frequent and Donghun’s stutter was going away. Donghun was also starting to stretch his vocal range back into what it used to be. Meanwhile, Byeongkwan and Chan barely seemed bothered by their lack of senses; Byeongkwan was a lot steadier on his feet and Chan was no longer confused in large social settings; he had mastered the art of reading lips. Everything was getting better.

During the recording of their title song, A.C.E had just finished a surprise Vlive with Choice at the studio. The spoiler fairy and Deputy J had shared more than enough with their fans, though nothing coherent enough for them to put together. It had been a fun Vlive and a fun break for them to take. As they headed back to the recording booth Sehyoon suddenly cried out, falling to the ground. The others quickly helped him to a chair, handing him his painkillers and a bottle of water. Though they seemed calm on the outside, they were all freaking out a bit inside. It was the first attack Sehyoon had had in a week; in such a short time they had almost forgotten he hadn’t yet fully recovered.

An hour later (a record time of recovery for Sehyoon) they resumed recording, hoping to finish by the end of the day. Donghun was the last to finish, having practiced singing the high notes over and over. Sure, there were a couple voice cracks, but that was normal. What wasn’t normal was the fact that he couldn’t talk afterwards. He hadn’t lost his voice; the sensation was similar to the one he felt after the accident. It was the first time his vocal cords had stuck in a month.

Chan had gone out to buy Donghun some soothing tea with honey, hoping to at least prevent his hyung’s throat from hurting. The entire ride home was silent, all of them slightly worried for the eldest. By the time they arrived home, though, Donghun was able to talk again, though his stutter was a bit more present than before. It would go away again with time, and judging by his recovery time it would go away faster than before.

All of them clamored up to the attic, hoping to play around a little bit more with their new songs. It was only ten o’clock so they fiddled around for another two hours, enjoying the time spent together at home. Heading downstairs to shower Byeongkwan left first, the others quickly behind him.

“AAH!” he exclaimed before shielding his eyes from the staircase light, missing a step and falling down the rest of the stairs. The others members frantically raced down, checking to see if Byeongkwan was alright.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, just a couple of bruises. I’m lucky I didn’t hit my head,” Byeongkwan said reassuring the others, blinking profusely. “But I think I’m starting to see in my left eye again. That’s why I fell; all of a sudden light flooded into my left eye. I can’t see much right now, but that has to be a good sign, right?”

“That is amazing! I’m sure you’ll recover your eyesight soon now,” Jun said, beaming at the good news. “But while you’re down I’m gonna beat you to the shower.” Jun took off, laughing at Byeongkwan’s shouts while Chan hurried to the other bathroom, laughing along with Jun.

Exiting the bathroom Chan watched Sehyoon bump Donghun out of the way for the shower, chuckling at his hyungs’ antics. Faintly he could hear Jun’s nature sounds from Jun’s bedroom and he decided to stop by. It was always amusing to see Jun meditate, though the leader didn’t do it as often as he used to anymore. Not wanting to disturb his leader Chan turned to leave before clutching his head in pain, a high pitch ring blaring in his head through both ears. After a few minutes the ringing went away, fading through his right ear.

“Chan-ah, are you alright?” he heard Jun asking, brows furrowed with worry.

“Yeah. I just have a headache. Could you do me a favor? Snap your fingers on my right side.” Jun obeyed, curious and hopeful to what Chan was implying.

“I think I’m going to get my hearing back soon,” Chan told Jun, his eyes gleaming with joy.

“That’s great to hear! Pun unintended. Anyways, could you do me a favor and ask the others to grab their roll-away mattresses and sleep here tonight? All of you had minor accidents today and it would make me feel better if we’re all together for the night. Just in case anything else happens.” Chan quickly ran to get the others, gathering all the roll-away mats and blankets himself. He loved sleeping in the same room with his hyungs; though it could get a little noisy, it was a comforting place to be. The others soon trailed into the room, falling asleep quickly after forcing Jun to shut off the nature sounds. He himself didn’t fall asleep until everyone else did, making sure they all seemed comfortable.

He also didn’t want to sleep for other reasons. Though he knew he needed the rest, Jun also knew what nightmares waited for him on the other side. Ever since the accident he and the others all experienced nightmares, though lately his were getting more vivid while the others didn’t dream. And unlike the others, his nightmares mixed in memories of the accident; he was the only one who remembered what happened that night, and he only remembered two months afterwards. But good things were happening to them; maybe his nightmares wouldn’t be so bad this time.

Jun woke up, disoriented and temporarily unaware of his surroundings. The others were all around him, silent.

“No, no, no, no,” Jun whispered, eyes wide with fear. Blood pooled down their heads and necks, coating the car. None of them were breathing, their eyes half open, lifeless. Suddenly the scene changed, showing the members in their practice room, their eyes glaring at Jun.

“Why did you try to convince us this was going to work?” Donghun asked, his words sharp but halting.

“Why are you so untouched?” Byeongkwan asked, jealousy shining in his one eye.

“Look at us. We’re marred permanently from the crash. But look at you, Mr. Flawless. Look at how put together and intact you are,” Chan spit out, lips curled in a snarl.

“No one looks at you with pity when you’re out in public. You only wanted us to continue as A.C.E so you could look the best,” Sehyoon added, his eyes cold as he and the others started to gather around Jun. 

“That’s not true! None of that’s true. Please, stop. I’m trying to help you. Please, please!” Jun protested, slowly walking backwards, the room shifting into a stage. The roar of fans filled his ears as he walked closer and closer to the edge, fear in his heart. The others didn’t let up, their eyes filled with hate as they came near, blood starting to reappear on their bodies.

“Do you think they’d care if you fell?” the others asked in unison. “‘Cause trust us, they won’t try to catch you. And this time, you can’t catch yourself.” Laughing they all reached out together and pushed Jun off the edge, smiling as he fell into an abyss, everyone else oblivious to his disappearance.

Jun shot up in his bed with a silent gasp, sweat dripping down his back. Looking around at the others he was relieved no one else had woken up. Lately he had gotten a lot better at hiding his nightmares. Sitting on the bed for a few minutes, Jun couldn’t help but replay the last scenes in his head over and over again. The other members would never say such things in real life, but that didn’t mean the accusations stung less. Perhaps there really was someone out there thinking of him like that.

Quietly Jun got up to get a glass of water, hoping it would help calm him down. His whole body was still trembling; it was the worst nightmare he’d had in some time. Shakily Jun turned to lean against the counter for support as he lifted the cup, only for his legs to give out. Jun felt himself watch helplessly as he crashed into the ground, the cup shattering, with pieces of glass piercing his hands and scratching his legs. The pain barely registered. It was as if he was watching from afar, his mind too weary to respond. Blankly he watched his blood mix with the water, spreading into a pool around him. A small part of him was glad he got injured - it wasn’t much but at least he could share in a bit of the physical pain the others had experienced earlier. Another part of him was yelling at himself for getting hurt and making a mess. The others definitely heard the crash, and he didn’t want to wake them. But a bigger part of him was done. Done trying to pretend to be okay. Done trying to hold himself together.

Vaguely Jun registered the others running into the kitchen, their eyes wide with worry and horror. Donghun said something Jun didn’t bother to hear, and after realizing Jun’s lack of response the others quickly set to work cleaning up the mess. Chan ran to get the first aid kit in the bathroom while Donghun rifled through the kitchen for the bottle of alcohol to cleanse Jun’s wounds. Byeongkwan and Sehyoon mopped the floor and carefully picked up all the broken glass before sitting down next to him, watching nervously as Donghun pried the glass out of Jun’s hands with tweezers. Chan was on standby with the bandages trying hard to fight back tears.

The haunted look in Jun’s eyes scared the other members. Why hadn’t they noticed before? He had always been so full of light and hope. Even today, or yesterday, to be precise, he was smiling and laughing. And Jun was never able to fake a smile around them without getting caught.

Hesitantly Donghun took one of Jun’s hands and held it, Sehyoon holding the other. “Nightmare?” Though it was a question, Donghun felt like he already knew the answer. Jun nodded once, still staring into empty space. “About what?” Jun stayed silent, not wanting to share. “Please. Talk to us.”

“It was about the accident. You were all dead. Then, the practice room. You all hated me.” As Jun explained in detail his nightmare, his voice lacking any emotion, Byeongkwan’s grip on Jun’s shoulders tightened before he wrapped his arms around Jun’s waist. The words their dream versions had said; they stemmed from a deeper problem than what Jun was telling them.

“How long? Tell us everything,” Byeongkwan asked, though he didn’t really know what he was asking about. He only wanted to know what was wrong.

“I don’t want to burden you.”

“You’re not going to!” Chan cried out, forcing Jun to look him in the eyes. “Something’s really wrong, and we want to know so we can help. Just like you helped us. So please, tell us.” Chan’s lips trembled, but his voice remained steady. He watched the last of Jun’s walls crumble as Jun’s eyes sharpened, the empty look replaced with a broken one. Chan didn’t know which was worse.

“I think it started right after the accident, when we found out, or you, found out, about your new disabilities. That night, I couldn’t help but feel guilty for being the least injured. It was a completely unreasonable feeling, but it stayed with me. It got worse, when I saw you guys struggling in physical therapy. I looked it up, and the only thing I could compare what I felt to was survivor’s guilt. The guilt manifested in my dreams, but all of you also suffered from nightmares so I didn't bring it up. Instead I focused on helping you guys adjust and comforted you when you had nightmares. I thought if I focused on helping you guys it would compensate for the guilt, though I was going to help you anyways. I just invested all my time to helping you so I had no time to focus on myself. I ended up exhausting myself every day so that when I went to sleep I no longer dreamed.

“Then, as we started practicing for our comeback, my need to be perfect reached an insane level. I also thought that if I was perfect it'd be easier for you guys to learn the dance and your positions, especially since Kwannie relies so much on his hearing for spacing. The standards I held myself to were ridiculous; I would scold myself for being 2 inches off my mark or if my body rolls weren't smooth enough. I would hold it against myself if I held a note a beat too long or if I sang a bit softer or louder than you guys. None of you ever noticed those mistakes, but I couldn't help but focus on the imperfections. I don't know why I held myself to such standards; I would never hold anyone else to them. I still hold myself to those standards. It's why I stay behind to practice longer.

“By focusing so much on my mistakes, I ended up starting to hate myself. Not for things like appearance or talents, but for a lot of other things. I hated how I kept making mistakes. I hated how I was never good enough for myself. I hated how hypocritical I was being, trying to be hopeful and positive for you guys while I was on the path to self-destruction. I hated myself for hating myself; I knew how unreasonable my hatred and self-judgment was. I still hate myself; I've been stuck in this vicious cycle for so long.” Jun paused, taking in a shaky breath.

“ I can't break out of it. Nothing I do is working; not meditation, not relaxing music. I'm genuinely happy when I'm performing or when I'm with Choice. I'm genuinely happy when I'm with all of you. But when I'm alone -” Jun’s voice broke as tears started to spill from his eyes. “When I’m alone all these thoughts come flooding back, drowning out everything else. I've tried for so long to ignore these emotions, to focus on something, anything else. But I can't anymore. I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay, tired of hiding what's really wrong. I don't know what to do.” A sob escapes Jun’s mouth, then another, and then another. The other four engulfed him in a hug, crying along with him, their hearts physically hurting for their precious leader. Minutes, maybe hours later their sobs subsided, all of them just resting in each others’ arms.

“I'm sorry,” Jun said, his voice hoarse as he looked at the others’ tear-stained faces.

“Don't you dare apologize, Junhee,” Sehyoon answered fiercely, stunning everyone. “You have nothing to be sorry for. We want you to tell us things like this. We want you to rely on us like we rely on you. We want to share your pain. We're family. We stick through everything together, good and bad.”

“You didn't let us deal with our problems on our own. We're not going to let you deal with this alone. Jeongmal sugohaessda malhaejwo, my star,” Byeongkwan sang, The others automatically harmonizing softly. “We're going to help you see how amazing and loved you are again. No matter what it takes.”

“Thank you,” Jun whispered before pulling the others back in for a hug. “I'm glad you're my family.”


End file.
